ANOTHER windy, soggy Saturday passed and I felt sorry for people who were getting married in such terrible conditions. Ruined shoes, mud-spattered dresses and everyone scurrying for shelter. I was reminded of something I had written years ago. It was not about wet Saturdays but it was about weddings.
RUN away to Gretna Green and there is very little to plan.
Or go to your travel agent and get married somewhere exotic. The hotel will even lend you a wedding dress.
The more usual option, though, is to indulge every fantasy you have ever had and marry at home.
Choosing the dress, the venue, the flowers, the colour theme, deciding on caterers, how much to spend on gifts for bridesmaids, favours for guests, working out who should sit where, whether to be married in church or have a civil ceremony, are all questions calculated to test your tact and diplomacy.
Opt for a big wedding and your guests will love you for the trouble you have taken to ensure their day goes as smoothly as yours. From making sure there is enough parking for everyone, to ensuring there is access to loos for those who have driven hundreds of miles to be with you on your big day, your careful planning makes all the difference between “another wretched wedding we had to go to” and “that fantastic wedding we enjoyed so much.”
A friend was a guest at five weddings last year. “All my friends’ children seemed to be taking the plunge,” she says. “But by the third wedding my husband had had enough and I practically had to drag him to the last two.
“He objected to all the hanging around and the cheap sherry, and I found myself criticising examples of bad planning, like nowhere to put our coats at the reception, and no escape from the deafening disco. I feel like quite an expert now, but unfortunately neither of my daughters is even thinking about getting married.”
Like her, we’ve all experienced the trials of being a wedding guest. Whether we’ve suffered from having to sit for three hours at the reception next to someone who has no small-talk skill (and believe me, it is a skill) or we’ve suffered because we chose the wrong clothes, the feelings of disappointment are the same. We can only blame ourselves if we choose to wear tight clothes and uncomfortable shoes, but it is hardly the guests’ fault when photography sessions last for hours while they have to wait around, either in a howling gale or in blazing sunshine with no shade available. It’s not our fault that the best man loses his speech and has succumbed to temptation and had too much champagne too early in the proceedings.
Draughty churches, walking a mile-and-a-half along a muddy lane from the car to the reception, not enough food to go round, and other examples of poor planning stick in the memory. There’s a lot of truth in the old adage: “Cut your coat according to your cloth.” It serves as a gentle reminder not to be over ambitious. A modest wedding organised within your budget can be just as enjoyable as a huge affair. It all boils down to paying attention to the details.
Goodwill is there in bucket-loads, in the hearts of the happy couple’s old school-friends, colleagues, feuding family members who’ve buried the hatchet for the occasion, among the sedentary and slightly confused grandmas and hyper-active and uninhibited small children.
But don’t push your luck. If you want your wedding to be remembered as the happiest and most smooth-running of the year, it takes effort and planning and dozens of lists. On one of your lists must be a detail like warning everyone living nearby if you are planning a long, loud, late post-wedding shindig. It may seem a small matter when compared to whether you’ve chosen the right shade of eye-shadow, but it pays to keep the neighbours on side if they can’t all be invited.
Of course there will be disagreements in the run-up to the big day, and tempers will fray when estimated costs start to escalate and Dad says “no more”, but smooth over the cracks and everything will be fine.
Bossy mothers, sulking bridesmaids, and printers who don’t know the meaning of words like “design” and “deadline” are all part of the fun.
There are wedding magazines, wedding fairs and advice columns, and they will provide you with ideas that you can adopt or reject. The mental image of wedding photographs taken outside a beautiful stately home may be tempting, or a country club setting may be more your style. If you have a garden big enough for a marquee all the better.
The best weddings are often achieved with the aid of professionals. Wedding planners can remove an awful lot of the time-consuming, stressful, nail-biting anxiety from the whole process. They’ve done it all before, they are aware of the pitfalls, they are good at calming last-minute nerves and they know which way to turn if there is a problem.
And no matter how much sympathy you feel for the poor beleaguered bridegroom who just thought he and his beloved would tie the knot quietly in a low-key civil ceremony, spare a thought for the bride who has dreamed of a big white wedding since she was a bridesmaid at the age of six.
It’s probably not worth arguing about it. For better or worse.